"But we love him," said Betty.
"Well he smells awful, said their mother. "I think you'd better give him a bath first."
"He's probably just a little nervous," said Mother, hopefully. "His stomach must be upset."
But Walter's stomach wasn't upset. Walter's stomach was fine. He felt perfectly normal. He just farted a lot.
He did it in the dining room. He did it in the kitchen. And he did it in his sleep.
"That dog farts morning, noon, and night," said Father.
"He can't help it, Daddy," said Betty and Billy. They didn't mind Walter's farts.
"So what if he farts," Billy said to Betty when they were alone in their room with Walter. Betty agreed. Walter agreed too. He sat there looking innocently around, farting.
"Take him to the vet," said Father.
"Farting," said the vet, "or rectal flatulence, as we say in the medical profession," and prescribed a change in diet. (Hey Buffie, does this remind you of anything? Hehehe!)
They gave Walter every kind of dog food. He farted. They tried him on cat food. They gave him hot dogs, hamburgers, and lettuce and tomato sandwiches.
They gave him fried chicken. They gave him rabbit food. They made him a vegetarian.
"No matter what that dog eats, he turns it into farts," roared Father.
Then all he had to say was, "Walter!" And everyone would look at poor Walter.
"No, Daddy, please," begged Betty and Billy. "Don't send Walter away."
"He goes tomorrow," said Father. They pleaded. Walter farted.
It was all over. That night, Betty and Billy cried in their beds, and Walter looked at them unhappily.
"Oh Walter," said Betty, "you've got to stop farting."
"Because Father is going to send you back to the pound tomorrow," said Billy.
Walter knew how serious the situation was. He'd never see Betty and Billy again. He resolved to hold in his farts forever. When Betty and Billy fell asleep, he walked down to the kitchen to see if there was anything around to eat. He managed to open the cupboard door with his nose and found the 25-pound bag of low-fart dog biscuits the vet had prescribed for him, which had made him fart more. Even though he knew they made him fart more, he couldn't resist. He ate the entire bag. "Very tasty," said Walter to himself."
And then he went and lay down on the sofa. A gigantic gas bubble began to build insided him.
"This is going to be trouble," he said to himself, nervously. He was afraid of what might happen if he let it go. He thought maybe the house would explode. So he kept it in. It wasn't easy. In fact, it was torture. But he had resolved never to fart again. His future depended on it. As he lay there, with his tail wrapped tightly between his legs, he heard a noise at the window.
"Watch out for the dog," said on of the burglars.
"He won't bite," said the other, "He's a wimp."
Walter might have bitten them, except he was so filled with gas he couldn't move. They tied a rag around his snout so he couldn't bark.
"Okay," whispered the first burglar, "let's clear the place out."
They took everything they could get their hands on. Walter wanted to stop them but he was having unbearable gas pains. He rolled on his back, and waved his paws in the air. He gnashed his teeth.
"We've got it all," said the second burglar.
With tears in their eyes, they raced for the window. They tried to grab their bag with all the valuables in it, but their arms were too weak.
They jumped out the window and ran up the block, choking and gasping for air. Still blinded by Walter's attack, they stepped into the headlights of an approaching police car.
"Hold it right there!" said the policeman.
When Mother and Father came down in the morning, they found the open window. And they saw the bag with their valuables in it. And Walter was sitting beside it. He still had the rag tied around his snout. You'd have to say he looked heroic.
"He saved the silverware!" cried Mother.
"He saved the VCR!" cried Father. "Good dog, Walter! You're our dog, even if you do fart all the time."
And that's the end of our tail.
Wasn't this the best story? I urge you to go out and buy it for yourself (or your kids or grandkids) if you really like it.
I had so much fun reading this to the elderly people in the group and they laughed and laughed. It still makes me laugh every time, especially when Walter farts so hard, he blows himself and the cat off the couch.
This is so my kind of humor!